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Arab-American Third-Grader Returns From Recess Crying, Saying He Didn't Kill Anyone
ROYAL OAK, MI— Eddie Bahri, 8, a Lincoln Elementary School third-grader of Iraqi
descent, tearfully denied accusations during morning recess Tuesday that he was a
terrorist who killed a bunch of people. "I did not kill anybody," Bahri
told classmate Douglas Allenby. "And my dad didn't, either, okay?" Also
implicated in the Sept. 11 attacks was 9-year-old Rajesh Soonachian, a Lincoln Elementary
fourth-grader of Indian descent.
President Urges Calm, Restraint Among Nation's Ballad Singers
WASHINGTON, DC— In the wake of the recent national tragedy, President Bush is urging
Mariah Carey, Michael Jackson, and other singers to resist the urge to record mawkish,
insipid all-star tribute ballads. "To America's recording artists, I just want to
say, please, there has already been enough suffering," Bush said. "The last
thing we need right now is a soaring Barbra Streisand-Brian McKnight duet titled 'One For
All.'" Reports that the FBI had confiscated several notebooks and audio tapes from
Diane Warren's home could not be confirmed as of press time.
Report: Gen X Irony, Cynicism May Be Permanently Obsolete
AUSTIN, TX— According to Generation X sources, the recent attack on America may have
rendered cynicism and irony permanently obsolete. "Remember the day after the attack,
when all the senators were singing 'God Bless America,' arm-in-arm?" asked Dave Holt,
29. "Normally, I'd make some sarcastic wisecrack about something like that. But this
time, I was deeply moved." Added Holt: "This earnestness can't last forever. Can
it?"
Dinty Moore Breaks Long Silence On Terrorism With Full-Page Ad
NEW YORK— Nearly two weeks after the attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon,
the makers of Dinty Moore beef stew finally weighed in on the tragedy Monday with a
full-page ad in USA Today. "We at Dinty Moore extend our deepest sympathies to
all who have been affected by the terrible events of Sept. 11, 2001," read the ad,
which pictured a can of Dinty Moore beef stew at the bottom of the page. "The entire
Dinty Moore family is outraged by this heinous crime and stands firmly behind our
leaders." Dinty Moore joins Knoche Heating & Cooling and Tri-State Jacuzzi in
condemning terrorism.
Bush Sr. Apologizes To Son For Funding Bin Laden In '80s
MIDLAND, TX— Former president George Bush issued an apology to his son Monday for
advocating the CIA's mid-'80s funding of Osama bin Laden, who at the time was resisting
the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. "I'm sorry, son," Bush told President George
W. Bush. "We thought it was a good idea at the time because he was part of a group
fighting communism in Central Asia. We called them 'freedom fighters' back then. I know it
sounds weird. You sort of had to be there." Bush is still deliberating over whether
to tell his son about the whole supporting-Saddam Hussein-against-Iran thing.
U.S. Urges Bin Laden To Form Nation It Can Attack
WASHINGTON, DC— Speaking via closed-circuit television from the Oval Office Monday,
President Bush made a direct plea to Osama bin Laden to form a nation the U.S. can attack.
"Whether you take over an existing nation like Afghanistan or create a new breakaway
republic called, say, Osamastan, the important thing is that you establish an identifiable
nation-state with an army, a capital, and clearly defined borders," Bush said.
"Maybe you could also sign some quick treaties to definitively establish who your
allies are." The president then pledged $600 million to bin Laden for the
construction of a state-of-the-art defense headquarters that the U.S. can bomb.
Network Programming Dominated By Surreality TV
LOS ANGELES— A new "surreality TV" trend has been sweeping network
programming in recent weeks, Daily Variety reported Monday. "Not content with
such reality fare as Spy TV, Big Brother 2, and Fear Factor, the
networks are taking it to the next level," Variety TV reporter James Leff
said. "And it's paying off: Viewers have been glued to their televisions to watch
such surreal shows as NBC Nightly News and Nightline, a recent episode of
which discussed the possibility of the entire eastern seaboard being wiped out by germ
warfare."
Sales Of Chamomile Tea, Gas Masks Up Sharply
WASHINGTON, DC— According to the latest consumer-index figures from the Commerce
Department, sales of chamomile tea and gas masks have shot up more than 50,000 percent in
the past three weeks. "Far and away, these are the biggest movers," said
Commerce Secretary Donald Evans, announcing the new figures Monday. "For whatever
reason, these are the two consumer items generating the most interest right now."
Also up sharply, Evans said, are sales of infrared night-vision goggles and aromatherapy
oils.
Area Man Uses WTC Attack As Excuse To Call Ex-Girlfriend
DAYTON, OH— Despite being deeply shaken by the tragedy, Dayton resident Dan
Marchand used the World Trade Center attack as an excuse to phone ex-girlfriend Stacy
Frankel last Saturday. "I know we haven't talked in a long time, but I just wanted to
call to make sure you were okay," Marchand told Frankel, who lives in nearby Xenia.
"You know, just with all the crazy stuff that's been going on around the country and
all." Frankel told Marchand it was "good to hear [his] voice again" but was
unresponsive to his suggestion that they get together for coffee.
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U.S. Vows To Defeat Whoever It Is We're At War With
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American Life Turns Into Bad Jerry Bruckheimer Movie
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Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell
'We Expected Eternal Paradise For This,' Say Suicide Bombers
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Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake
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God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule
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A Shattered Nation Longs To Care About Stupid Bullshit Again
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Security Beefed Up At Cedar Rapids Public Library
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A look at the numbers that shape your world.
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